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Thread: training may be over

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    Default training may be over

    Damn, I am bummed out. let me get some input please for what I consider a very serious situation.

    I have been training MANY hours each week for almost a year now, as my whole family has. TOTALLY committing myself as much as a 40ish family man can...helping teach the kids classes, helping around the gym, bringing in new customers, helping speak to new people that come in for info if the owner is busy...110% commitment to the point where my wife started getting mad and I have literally turned down side jobs so as not to interfere with my training.

    Training HARD in three arts, primarily Kenpo (you regulars read my posts, you know my story as far as cross training goes).

    Then, out of nowhere I get an email that says I have been giving a vibe of disrespect and even hostility in the gym...and very honestly, very, very honestly I have NO idea where that came from...followed with a bunch of catch phrases and "warrior code" stuff...

    I am completely flabbergasted, upset, disappointed and shocked...we shared some emails (I am FAR to angry to speak directly) and it all boils down to somehow a shortcoming on my part without saying exactly what I did.

    I don't know if I can ever set foot in a place where I am not respected...I work hard, I train hard (real hard) and deserve it...and refuse to accept less for myself or my family. There is no other Kenpo instruction in the area that I would feel at all beneficial...

    I don't know what to do. I turn to you.



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    Default Re: training may be over

    Was the email from the owner or another student? Big difference. If it is your instructor, it should have been handled in private in person.

    I would take some time off, maybe a week or two. Then you can see how you feel and your instructor feels. At that point, you can make a decision. I'll save my decision for a little so you can think about it.

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    Default Re: training may be over

    1st: ANY clue as to who's doing the E-mail??
    2nd: How do You see your relationship with your instructor?? Honestly.
    3rd: Did the E-mail not say or not give Any clues about what the specific behavior is??

    If you've been trying to take on a leadership role in the school, even if done with the best of intentions... you may have stepped on toes of people more advanced (rank) than yourself. Sometimes people with low self esteem or who aren't themselves assertive find assertive/take-charge people as being pushy or worse. Something to think about.

    If the E-mailer didn't give specifics....ask for them. Ask for exact examples of what it is you've done that's made them feel this way. Try to ask along these lines with a great deal of respect and concern..letting this person, whomever they are, know that you're not asking so that you can be defensive...but so you can try to alter your behavior if you have indeed been in the wrong.
    IF they can't give you specifics...then their feelings are arbitrary ego-defense; and you'll be able to spot this despite any smoke-screen talk of "Warrior's Code" or "Spirit of the arts" or whatever other lines they may steal from an old Samouri movie.

    Chill. Unless you're overlooking something you may have actually done, it's probably someone else's hurt feelings....ie; their problem.
    GO directly to your instructor with a print out of the E-mails and ask to discuss!!!!!!!!!!! Can't emphasize this enough!!!! IF they came from him.....then discuss discuss discuss and keep an open and self observant mind. Stay calm, consider his words. IF it's from someone else in the school..............TALK to the teacher about it.

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    Default Re: training may be over

    1- from the instructor

    2- Very honestly, I think/thought we had an outstanding relationship, not only teacher/student but friends

    3- No clues at all...

    I just sent a diplomatic, calm and honest email asking for specifics, exactly what I did to merit such comments. I am really hoping for a resolution because over the last year I have grown to truly love the experience and sharing it with my family. I am very truly hurt.

    This is a new school from a long time martial artist, and quite honestly, I am the highest ranked student and have always been very porud of it and try to hold it with respect for the teacher and fellow students, helping lower belts without being arrogant or condesending. One reaps what one sows is my personal opinion and I try to sow kindness and positivity...which is why I am so lost...

    The last couple communications have been very complimentary and inspiring, but I now have a hard time knowing if it's real, or the fear of loosing money and/or the most motivated student there...

    Thanks for your input...I think you are right, a day or two to relax and let heads clear is in order. A couple weeks off, well, that would feel downright weird...



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    Default Re: training may be over

    Don't give up.

    Obstacles (and sometimes big ones) are part of life, including your journey in martial arts. I have been through many, some of which were very tough on me mentally.

    There is no dawn without a night, and there is no victory without a fight.


    Jamie Seabrook
    www.seabrook.gotkenpo.com

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    Default Re: training may be over

    Yeah, you're right...

    I will make an effort here...it has become to important to me to give up that quickly.



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    Default Re: training may be over

    Very strange indeed.. first thought that comes to my mind.. Is it a test of some kind? (not very nice for sure..) but I've heard of instructors, especially old school types, who go out of their way to find their high ranking student's achille's heel..

    Just a thought out of the blue.

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    Default Re: training may be over

    Ya know, Tess, that same thought has crossed my mind a few minutes ago...I dunno. if it is, he isn't going to break me.



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    Default Re: training may be over

    That's the Spirit~!!

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    Default Re: training may be over

    Don't give up, hang in there. Find out his point and than react.
    "To hear is to doubt. To see is to be deceived. But to feel is to believe." -- SGM Ed Parker

    "Sic vis pacem parabellum - If you want peace, prepare for war." -- "The Punisher"


    "Praying Mantis, very good. . . For catching bugs." --Jackie Chan

    "A horse stance is great for taking a dump" --Jet Li

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    Default Re: training may be over

    Quote Originally Posted by WristTwist
    it has become to important to me to give up that quickly.
    B I N G O !!!!
    Jamie is right.
    There are things that may make you NEED to alter or change your path, but those aren't the norm at all. This will pass.
    IF you've done something wrong and do not realize it...((remain open to that possibility, and then be humble once you know))...then it's the instructors responsibility to point it out and educate you on the CORRECT way to behave.
    If they show you plainly and then teach you the right conduct and you ignore it....then they should call you out on it!
    If they don't show you plainly and don't teach you the right conduct, then it's on Them and they have no right to call you on it.
    Just my thoughts..

    From the sound of things, this ....whatever it is.... is very fixable.
    Frustrating and perplexing? Sure...but in the end, a year from now...you'll probably be able to look back and see a place in your path that caused you (and/or your instructor) to grow a little bit.

    Also: Bear in mind, being a 'long time martial artist' doesn't mean THAT much when you're new to running a school. As far as being a teacher, though he IS a teacher, he may be a "White Belt" teacher. He'll grow and mature in how he runs things.

    Your Brother
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    Default Re: training may be over

    To quote some old 'B' movie I saw once:

    "How do I handle stress? I find the source of the stress, and break it's legs"

    Not sure how that fits into the conversation, but the quote just popped into my mind and always makes me chuckle...and I'm stressed.

    Yes, this is a new gym, the first HE has owned (that I know of), by I know he is a long time instructor, 30 years as a practitioner, very militaristic...but yes, still human, as we all are...

    if I did do something wrong, I will be the first to own up to it, but first I have to know what it is, and so far that hasn't been directly answered...ah, it's like the first fight with my wife...only without the...oh, never mind.



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    Default Re: training may be over

    :: adjusting vantage point ::

    It's all gotta just be part of the journey...



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    Default Re: training may be over

    Quote Originally Posted by KenpoTess
    but I've heard of instructors, especially old school types, who go out of their way to find their high ranking student's achille's heel..
    I have heard of this too, and just think its crazy.


    Jamie Seabrook

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    Default Re: training may be over

    No different than old school military training, toughening your body and your mind.



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    Default Re: training may be over

    Quote Originally Posted by WristTwist
    I have been training MANY hours each week for almost a year now, as my whole family has. TOTALLY committing myself ...helping teach the kids classes, helping around the gym, bringing in new customers, helping speak to new people that come in for info if the owner is busy...110% commitment...

    Training HARD in three arts, primarily Kenpo...

    Then, out of nowhere I get an email that says I have been giving a vibe of disrespect and even hostility in the gym...and very honestly, very, very honestly I have NO idea where that came from...followed with a bunch of catch phrases and "warrior code" stuff...

    ... it all boils down to somehow a shortcoming on my part without saying exactly what I did.

    ... The last couple communications have been very complimentary and inspiring, but I now have a hard time knowing if it's real, or the fear of loosing money and/or the most motivated student there...
    Even hard-corps, militaristic martial arts instructors have feelings, and pure feelings seldom have a lot to do with facts or logic. They do, however, tend to elicit a strong emotional response. I'd guess that your instructor is (or waS) feeling a little threatened by you. Not very logical, but a very human emotional response.

    You are training hard, comeing up fast, and very exuberant and outspoken. He may think you are going a little too fast, and that in spite of your skill and understanding, you are not matureing enough. This is very difficult to adress or to handle. Also, you are taking other arts. If you are bringing them into your Kenpo class and discussing them with other students, there could be several problems that he is having to deal with. He may feel you are showing him up, especially if he has limmited experience in these arts. Also, he may want his other students to get a better grounding in Kenpo before branching out. Some of them may not be able to handle the extra info at any stage.

    I'm guessing that he's been thinking about this a long time, trying to figure out how to address it. Then something (possibly not even involving you) triggered this emotional response. It is a good possibility that he is feeling bad about it.

    I'd go and talk with him. Try to keep an open mind, and let him know that whatever the reason you'd like to maintain the relationship. Be willing to change if necessary. And try to get something positive out of this. For example, if your zeal for learning and sharing is the problem, perhaps you could set up a group of dedicated students from the Kenpo school and other schools in the area to work out and share knowlege and skills- and a few bruises along the way. Done with his blesings, and maybe involvement or even sponsorship, this could be a very good educational experience. It would also allow you to fulfill your need for cross training without taking it into the Kenpo class.

    EDIT: I should add that I used to cross train and work out with other systems/stylists a lot. I found that, no matter what I learned elsewhere, It worked best if I brought it back to my base (American Kenpo). Also, whatever I saw in their system, I could find it in AK. Likewise, whatever I showed them was somewhere in theirs. What you get by working with other stylists is a new perspective on your own system. You apparently have enough of an understanding to do this. But the Kenpo class should be for you to improve your base, and for lower ranked students to aquire that base. If you are getting sidetracked into other methods, I'd bet this is a major part of the problem.
    Last edited by thedan; 12-13-2005 at 01:17 PM.

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    Default Re: training may be over

    You bring up a lot of good points there.

    However, that instructor teaches all the classes I crosstrain in, and strongly encourages cross training. That said, you could still have many valid points.

    Through talking a bit today to him, my wife and doing some personal soul searching I am going to own one mistake on my part (at this point) and say that I lost focus.

    We started doing this as a family activity...I, by nature, have a very addictive personality (as does my instructor, we have a lot in common...a lot) and began to go insane taking as much as I could of every class (hey, I have an unlimited membership after all). Then, when the kids came down and asked me to practice with them I was too tired or too beat up...I completely lost focus of my original goal (typical, I'm weird that way).

    I am taking ownership of that and said if I come back I will be only doing Kenpo to help maintain my #1 responsibility, which is to my wife and kids, and enjoy the activity that we share.

    He also shared that due to my ummmmm, "ambition" shall we say, I was being groomed early as a teacher for the kids, which makes my training harder, which I can understand.

    My disrespoect or hostility was said to be more of a general attitude than it was any specific episode. Which I can attribute, in part, to my complete fatigue.

    I might be making some personal ground here...



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    Default Re: training may be over

    There's a philosophy out there that has always held true for me:

    If someone suddenly acts strangely towards you for no obvious reason, look for a third party.

    I have found this to be usually true. I had someone in kenpo who I don't know at all be extremely rude to me for no apparent reason. It turned out that someone I did know spread an ugly rumor to this third person who chose to believe it.

    I had a short-term rift with my instructor a few months ago because a third person was coming between us whispering different things in each of our ears. Once I was able to get ahold of him so we could talk with just us two, the lies were brought to light and we are better now than before.

    Chances are, it's something like that. Maybe you said something innocuous or did something that someone misinterpreted and 'told on you' to your instructor (with much embellishment).

    People are people everywhere you go, regardless of their time in the art or anything else.

    Talk to him directly and find out what's going on. Since you have no clue what it is, chances are good that it's fixable.

    Hang in there.

    --Amy
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    I'm a member of the Universal Life Church and the ULC Seminary. I'm also a Sacramento Wedding Minister and Disc Jockey
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    Default Re: training may be over

    Quote Originally Posted by WristTwist
    My disrespoect or hostility was said to be more of a general attitude than it was any specific episode. Which I can attribute, in part, to my complete fatigue.

    I might be making some personal ground here...
    Being tired and grumpy could be it too. There's plenty in kenpo to keep you busy. Sounds like a good plan. More sleep is good too.

    --Amy
    The New Kenpo Continuum Book is now accepting submissions for volume 2. Our fabulous, ever-changing website is Sacramento Kenpo Karate.
    I'm a member of the Universal Life Church and the ULC Seminary. I'm also a Sacramento Wedding Minister and Disc Jockey
    New Cool (free) kenpo tool bar: http://KenpoKarate.OurToolbar.com/


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    Default Re: training may be over

    Quote Originally Posted by WristTwist
    ... that instructor teaches all the classes I crosstrain in, and strongly encourages cross training. ...I completely lost focus of my original goal ... if I come back I will be only doing Kenpo to help maintain my #1 responsibility, which is to my wife and kids, and enjoy the activity that we share. He also shared that due to my ummmmm, "ambition" shall we say, I was being groomed early as a teacher for the kids, ... My disrespoect or hostility was said to be more of a general attitude than it was any specific episode. Which I can attribute, in part, to my complete fatigue. ...
    Given that info, I'd say you are on the right track. Perhaps, instead of actually taking the extra classes, you could just work them as I mentioned in my edit. Take whatever you see in the other systems and find where and how to apply it in Kenpo. Good luck.

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