Kenpo Vs ???
By The Master - Sun, 25 Feb 2007 20:04:49 GMT


Kenpo Vs ???

In the spirit of my MMA Vs ??? thread, and as I futilely hunt around my medicine cabinet for something to take the edge off, I decided to put pen to screen again. After trying to write on my monitor I remembered the keyboard was there and so began this continuing look at "Art vs Art". This moments episode: Kenpo.

Invented in the 60's in Hawaii by a guy named Parker while at a loo-out, Kenpo is one of the most popular religions in the world. It is used all over the world, in movies and most recently by my aunt Stacy at the mall while trying to get the last Wii at Best Buy. It is highly powerful, but often misunderstood. We will now compare several arts and specific opponents through Kenpo, and offer tips on how to truly defeat these other opponents.

Kenpo vs Ninjas.
Ninjas are stealthy critters, making hardly a sound as they sneak for the attack. The wily kenpoist will complete each technique being certain to throw all punches as this will help to fan away the ninjas poison gas attack. This also works well at Taco Bell. Proper technique is critical in dispatching a ninja, and being off in your stance by even a 10th of a degree can mean defeat. The advantage goes to the kenpoer, whose added backup mass will absorb the puny strikes of the much smaller ninja. Recommended Technique - Bowing to Buddha

Kenpo vs FMA
Those FMAists are nuts. They play with sticks, clubs, swords, and carry 40,000 knives each. Hard to imagine where they put them all, being short and skinny folks. When confronted by the wild FMAists, I recommend skipping the salutation and moving right into the technique. He wouldn't give you a break, don't you cut him one either! Five Swords, or better yet Ten Swords and Broken Weiner work best, provided you have properly softened up the FMAist with first pointing to his left and asking if that's a rattan tree.

Kenpo vs Kung Fu
The expert kung fu master has trained to walk on water, fly from tree to tree, and run along walls. You have not. So don't let him get airborne fool! He who strikes first, wins, so use your embroidered black belt to lasso his legs and tie him down. You may then proceed to batter him into submission using Sword of Destruction or Tickle Me Elmo, the latter if you are past 7th degree only of course.

Kenpo vs TKD
The key to defeating the TKD is to not confront him in his natural environment, the tournament floor. There, he is near unstoppable. Instead, force him out side into the mud or snow which will defeat his "Boot To Head" powers. Once his feet are neutralized, like the Trex, you only have his weaker upper arms to deal with. Delayed Sword or something involving a mace, alternating or not, should suffice.

Kenpo vs a Chinese Buffet
Please, this is a family site. Such horrors are not meant to be described.
Winner - Kenpoist.

Kenpo Vs Moe, Larry and Curly.
The grandmasters of Stooge Fu are a formidable bunch. They are almost impervious to pain, from years of mallets, ladders and pie in the face. The kenpo master will face a truly trying encounter, multiple attacker at that. To confuse the Stooges, we recommend 3 shots of JD then attempting Long Four. The goal is to confuse the Stooges and have them take each other out. Some technique with lots of body slapping and woo woo noises is recommended here, but whatever you do, don't break your rod.

Kenpo vs Osama bin Ladden
Any technique will do, Twirling Hammers, Thrusting Elvis or my favorite, 72 Virginians.

Kenpo vs Superman
Right, big muscles, impervious to bullets, hair that doesn't move under direct nuclear blast, and a pants bulge you can only dream of. He's stand there for a weekend and let you do 5 swords until your arm falls off, then BBQ you with his heat vision.
Winner - Superman.

In parting, I hope this non comprehensive and thoughtless look at kenpo has aided your training, either in the martial arts or competitive eating. For me, I must leave now and return to my medicine chesst where I will hopefully find something to take the pain away. I leave you with this parting word of wizdumb: If your kenpo school is too hot in the summer, have your white belts hold fans while executing techniques. Five swords can lower your cooling bill by 10% alone!

Remember folks, the secret is to bang the heads together!

I am The Master, this has been your Wacky Martial Arts Moment!


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