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Thread: Chuck Norris

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    Default Chuck Norris

    I got this off another (non-ma) board and found it funny. Enjoy.

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

    A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

    Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

    A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

    As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

    Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

    Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.

    The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

    If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

    Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

    Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

    Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
    Susan A. Spann

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    Member of the Estrogen Mafia and Proud Owner of THIS Thread (FOREVER D:< )



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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    Pretty funny.
    Quality outweighs quantity every time.

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    Seig is offline
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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    I came to work and found copies of this on my desk.....
    I started stroking my beard, and the culprits ran away.....





    The thing is kind of funny, but I bet Mr. Norris would be hurt by it.
    Just because you do something one way, does not mean that everyone else does it that way, or that it is even the correct way.

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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris Speaks Out About the List:

    I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
    link: http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx
    Susan A. Spann

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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    I'd always "heard" he was laid back. =)
    "It is sobering to reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence." – Charles A. Beard

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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    He really is, I had the honor of running across him briefly when I was a theater major in Texas.

    Super nice guy

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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    I find he is a rarely talked about innovator. He actually made a lot of movies that inspired many to martial arts. I see this new comedy as the same thing. Sparking new people to at least check the arts out
    "Say hello to Susan"
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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    I just watched the DVD of Force of One. They had a couple of documentaries about teh film company that produced his first movies. Apparently, in marketing of his movies, they rewrote how film making was advertised and produced.
    Just because you do something one way, does not mean that everyone else does it that way, or that it is even the correct way.

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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    My favorite Chuck Norris movie is Lone Wolf McQuade.
    Quality outweighs quantity every time.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    Although it's pretty funny (sometimes bordering on obnoxious), I'm glad Mr. Norris isn't too worried about it. Life is too short...
    The truly educated never graduate.
    "To understand the heart & mind of a person, look not at what they have already achieved, but what they aspire to do." -Kahlil Gibran

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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    Quote Originally Posted by Rob Broad
    My favorite Chuck Norris movie is Lone Wolf McQuade.
    You and me both! That's a great movie. I think its success may have had something to do with the whole "Ranger" thing. Too bad the T.V. series wasn't more like that movie. LOL. They should have brought David Caridine in to be like Walkers nemesis or something. ROFL.
    "It is sobering to reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence." – Charles A. Beard

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    Now you can get your favorite fact on a t-shirt

    http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=20863

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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    Here is some more Chuck Norris fun.

    http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...k+Norris&hl=en
    Quality outweighs quantity every time.

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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris has family (I think it's his sister) in San Manuel, Arizona. Since it's such a little town, you can find him drinking in the local bar on various holidays.

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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    Mr. Norris has appeared at a few of our events. I only got to say hi, but he's very nice.

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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    I saw this about a year ago. Pretty funny stuff.

    "Chuck Norries does not dodge bullets, bullets dodge Chuck Norris."

    http://chucknorrisfacts.com/
    PARKER - HERMAN - SECK

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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    MY FAVORITE:
    The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter
    "Let the wookie win."

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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    Quote Originally Posted by gardawamtu View Post
    MY FAVORITE:
    The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter
    I wonder what Tolkien would say about that?
    "Change is not necessary...Survival is not mandatory" - W. Edward Deming

    "When I hit....I hit the whole enchilada" - Master David Leung

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    Default Re: Chuck Norris

    Quote Originally Posted by Takai View Post
    I wonder what Tolkien would say about that?
    He'd say, "Cool!" Cause he know's if he didn't Chuck would kick his butt! LOL
    "It is sobering to reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence." – Charles A. Beard

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