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Thread: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

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    Default Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    This section taken from a hilarious thread in rec.martial-arts.moderated. You will note some of the student descriptions are similar----I found it funny that I recognized every single one of the "students"---and so I didn't want to drop any of the variations.


    1. Question Lad (aka. What-If?): This guy will bring up every possible permutation for every drill that is being worked. Solution: Make him uki.
    2. Captain Slacker: Dogs the drills and sucks away the stunning dynamic experience that occurs during every class. ;-) Solution: Make him uki.
    3. The Interpreter: Seems to believe that explanations must be altered to so that the masses can understand them. Even when the masses are already doing the drill. Solution: Make him uki.
    4. The Whacker. Selflessly and altruistically strives to make each partner drill ultra-"realistic", for his partner's learning benefit. Leaves a wake of bruises, black eyes, and sprains behind him until he tries it on the wrong person. Solution: trade partners frequently, the right one will come along soon.
    5. The Silver Spoon. Has a unique blind spot that prevents him from seeing anything that needs doing around the dojo. This blind spot is so wide that he can't see an entire dojo floor full of other students with rags cleaning up. Solution: hand him a rag. Or make him uke. Gis make great cleaning rags, with or without a person in them.
    6. The Assistant Insructor. Possessed of a truly amazing learning curve, this specimen has absorbed enough knowledge in six months' study to be able to offer a flawless critique of others' practice. Undeterred by the presence of actual knowledge and experience. Solution: have him do heian shodan. As my sensei told me, "Nobody knows more about karate than a green belt. If you don't believe it, just ask him"
    7. The Vince Lombardi Wannabe: Believes only that a good offense is the best defense. Constantly attacks training partners at full speed to demonstrate this philosophy, leaving confused and disgruntled students in his wake. Solution: He/she feeds the instructor next time.
    8. The Whiner. Common source of "but that huuuuurts!" "I think I need to sit out for a moment," and "that's too hard!" during simple basic partner drills, including all light sparring. Solution: Take two Tylenol and put them back in. They'll either gain a little intestinal fortitude or they'll quit. (Note: the Tylenol is for YOU, not them.) (Note 2: I'm not talking real injury here----I mean the whimpering little whining that happens when someone gets an arm bar put on, so that the pressure on the arm "hurts my arm muscle." Things like that. People who simply canNOT get through an entire class without at least 2 brief class pauses while the instructor checks if the person is really hurt, or just whining yet _again_.) (And yes, I've got one of these. Arg.)
    9. The Toughman. Can take ANY technique, and "tough it out" according to him (it is almost always a him) Pressure points don't work (according to him), locks are something he can handle (according to him), and getting thrown/landed on/smashed/crushed/mangled is something where he can "take the pain, suck it up, and shrug it off." No matter what. Solution: make him uki MORE.
    10. The Cross-trainer. "White belt, you need to adjust your stance this way." "But sir, this is the way we did it in the last tkd/karate/aikido/judo/whatever class I was in. And I've noted you don't do [such and such] technique 'correctly' ---in my last class, the teacher said it was stupid to do it the way you do." Teacher: "Arg. Can I simply kill you now?" Solution: Manage to not show Little Grasshopper why you "do it that way," and simple explain that different classes do it different ways----and in THIS class, we do it MY way.
    11. The Primal Male. Women simply canNOT do techniques that would be effective against this man because, after all, they are women. Smaller, weaker, etc... Solution: Have the smallest high ranking female in class use The Primal Male as demonstration person for joint locks and throws. In front of the new students. (This person is common in many college programs, BTW.)
    12. The Mouth. Has the amazing ability to continue talking while you are standing in front of him stating that he should shut up. (If you're lucky, this only occurs in children's classes.) Solution: His partner gets 10 pushups everytime he opens his mouth.
    13. The Clueless: He's constantly doing stuff wrong. Even the simplest explanations bring a glazed look to his eye as he continues to be unable to improve. Solution: Can't think of a single one. [Ed. Note: Baseball bat. Hey, it is theraputic for the teacher.]
    14. The macho newbie: He's big, he's strong, and he knows it. Furthermore, there's no woman in the whole dojo that he couldn't knock out with his fabulous punch, and he's going to make sure that everyone knows it. Solution: Kick him in the groin. (OK, so you can't really do that if you're the instructor, but you can tell the other students to do it!)
    15. The macho old-timer: He's big, he's strong, and he's been doing this a long time. Ain't no one in the place that better *ever* beat him at a drill, or they will pay the concequences. Solution: Kick him in the groin (Hey, Don got to use solutions over! , and then quickly move on to the next partner.
    16. The "in my previous dojo"'er: Need I say more? Solution: send him on to his next dojo.
    17. Ninja Bob: is pretty sure that he is training to become a covert agent, and wants constant reassurance of the deadlyness of his/her endeavors.
    18. Every sifu's best friend: wants to be your 'best' student, but unfortunately can't deal with training in the group. It's not his fault really, but he's a kick ass private student at the no contact level. (you guys can call this "The Maurice" if you want)
    19. Mr. Agreeable: Yes, he understands. Yes, the drill makes sense, sure. Sure, keep it slow, watch the contact. (smile, nod) Oh, like that, right. ...Proceeds (as soon as your back is turned) to, in dazed confusion, invent his own damn drill, thank you very much, fast, out of control, and not at all similar to the original.
    20. Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I-do-karate. She likes to think she's tough, but anytime someone makes even a little bit of contact, she's going to complain to anyone that will listen. This is to be contrasted with the women who *are* there to train, and say nothing about the multiple bruises they take home every night from the macho-newbie and the macho-old-timer. Solution: Hit her really hard and tell her to stop being such a wuss when she complains. The phrase "It's karate/judo/etc., it's supposed to hurt a little bit" should be used often. Solution: every single time, without exception, pair Ms. Selfdefense with #4, The Whacker. This will necessitate her learning to "whack" back.
    21. Ms. Self-Defense. She's read too many RMA threads, and truely believes that her intelligence will get her out of any struggle she may encounter. And if her intelligence doesn't work, then her legs will, because after all, women's legs are stronger than men's. Solution: Put her one on one with one of the smaller guys, and tell her to defend herself. 19 times out of 20, she'll find that her legs and her intelligence don't matter too awefully much. Every single time, without exception, pair Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I- do-karate with #9, the macho newbie. She will probably eventually get pissed off enough to WANT to let him have it.
    22. The glass menagerie: think that they should be able to learn how to fight without ever falling down, getting bruised or otherwise experiencing physical discomfort. Never fully commits to a technique, holds back and typically ends up being one of the first people to experience an injury. (Usually from not committing to the movement properly) Solution: time...they either learn or leave.
    23. The natural: has natural athletic ability which really does help him or her in the learning of MA. Is frequently lazy, however, since it doesn't seem that hard to learn. This person frequently gets bored and ends up leaving without fulfilling their potential. Solution: find something that challenges them (and make them uke?)
    24. Eclectic Man. Has done thirty other arts for one class apiece. Is just killing time until he can create his own martial art and associated web site (whose address he will repeatedly post to RMA). Hopes to be inducted to the "World Martial Arts Hall of Fame" as "Supreme Grandmaster of the Year" before his 23rd birthday. Immediate response to any drill is "In Armenian Tae Kung Kara Aikikenpojujutsu, they do X instead". Thinks you are jealous because his uniform has more patches on it than yours does. Solution: Make him uke. Preferably for "the Whacker" ;-)
    25. Satori Man. Has read every single book or article ever written on Zen and martial arts. Owns stock in Shambala. Has never actually done zazen. Quotes koans at every opportunity. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was God. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was a Buddhist. Is fond of expounding about how "X" is not a "real martial art" because it lacks a "spiritual component" Solution: Invite your friend Charlie, who has been teaching "X" for a couple of decades, to the dojo to teach a surprise special seminar...and thereby acquaint Satori Man with his own spiritual component by making him uke.
    26. Variant 1 on Satori Man: all this and has never done any MA training. Solution: make him stop talking and practice. He'll go away. I recall one kid who rebelled at being forced to hold the shinai with a right-handed grip. He'd read Go Rin No Sho and according to him, Musashi didn't do it that way. He lasted 2 classes.
    27. Jutsu Man. Flip side of "Satori Man". Believes he is the reincarnation of Miyamoto Musashi, John L. Sullivan, and Attila the Hun. Is dismissive of many "-do" forms because they "aren't practical" have "all that spirituality ********", or are "just sports". Believes women "can't fight for ****". Solution: Invite a small, female, godan in Judo to teach him the meaning of the term "kata guruma"...and make him uke.
    28. The Ogler. The woman who is so busy oogling at the guys, she's not paying attention to what you're trying to teach her. In my experience, these are always beginners. One possible solution is to pair her up with a guy, ideally one of the guys she's oogling. That way, at least, I can go off and teach someone else or practice with someone who wants to train. Another solution is to throw her quickly and rather than help support the fall, let her weight drop completely. Doesn't leave quite the same bruises as punching, but can be pretty punishing all the same. Of course, *I* would never do this.
    29. The Drifter: Comes to class once every couple of months. Is completely clueless about the material currently being studied, but wants to be promoted to the next belt. solution: Relocate the dojo every once in a while. (Thats what my Sensei does)
    30. The Hasbeen: used to practice five or ten years ago, and has now returned. Thinks he knows just as much as the advanced students that studied with him then and haven't stopped. Tries very hard to prove he is just as good as them by using lots of force while doing the techniques. Solution: pair him up with one of said students.


    This is by no means an exhaustive list---but it certainly covers many of the non-normal "types" I've seen.
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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    Can't believe noone has responded to this thread. I was talking to JustusShaft about this and it was pretty easy to pair these "types" up w/ real people we have encountered. Very funny Bob and sadly accurate.

    Definitely ran into this one several times and... have a most excellent friend in Calif. that definitely employs the solution.

    Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I-do-karate. She likes to think she's tough, but anytime someone makes even a little bit of contact, she's going to complain to anyone that will listen. This is to be contrasted with the women who *are* there to train, and say nothing about the multiple bruises they take home every night from the macho-newbie and the macho-old-timer. Solution: Hit her really hard and tell her to stop being such a wuss when she complains. The phrase "It's karate/judo/etc., it's supposed to hurt a little bit" should be used often. Solution: every single time, without exception, pair Ms. Selfdefense with #4, The Whacker. This will necessitate her learning to "whack" back.
    -Camey

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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    So many from the list comes to mind.

    "Satori Man. Has read every single book or article ever written on Zen and martial arts. Owns stock in Shambala. Has never actually done zazen. Quotes koans at every opportunity. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was God. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was a Buddhist. Is fond of expounding about how "X" is not a "real martial art" because it lacks a "spiritual component" Solution: Invite your friend Charlie, who has been teaching "X" for a couple of decades, to the dojo to teach a surprise special seminar...and thereby acquaint Satori Man with his own spiritual component by making him uke. "

    Ususally skip to the uke part and just beat them... within reason of course.
    -Camey

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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    I think I have taught every single one of them.
    Quality outweighs quantity every time.

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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    Makes note to self to quit my whining...
    "Second chances they don't never matter, people never change
    Once a whore you're nothing more i'm sorry that'll never change
    And about forgiveness, we're both supposed to have exchanged
    I'm sorry honey, but i'm passing up, now look this way...*" --Paramore "Misery Business"


    (*this is where a punch would be landed)

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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    I dunno about anyone else, but I brag about my bruises
    Susan A. Spann

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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    I keep asking for clarification on application of techniques and the questions keep comming out as a "What If??" but that is only because I know that the techniques can be applied more effectivly and I want to help the instructors understand this because they are my new best friends.... so they make me Uki all the time... which is ok because I am indestructable and nothing really hurts anyway.... except those stupid pinches... they hurt alot so I make sure to let everyone know that they hurt in hope that they will stop it. but perhaps it is simply Karma to endure the pain like the old masters... thats why i learned how to say Oww that hurts in Korean, Japanese,Chinese(Manderan and Cantonise, Laoation,ViatNamise, and Greek (just to cover my bases). At least they dont have those women teaching me cause it's not like I can learn anything from them anyway Jsut like my other schools, I sure do miss them and I am sure they miss me.. .I wonder how their students are doing now that they don't have anyone who atttacks realisticly.... gee I feel sorry for them not havign me arround any more...

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  8. The Following User Says Thank You to MrBunny For This Useful Post:

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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    Thanks for finding it Camey! That's hilarious. I'm thinking of printing it and putting it on the bulletin board.

    Oh, and yes Miyu...I wear mine like a badge too! LOL
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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    Here's a thought.... Which one were you?? DOH!
    "It is sobering to reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence." – Charles A. Beard

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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    Me? I definatly ask too many questions... I am working on that.

    And my first few months I had issues with muscle memory from annother form which was frustrating. even now I feel myself leaning back in to a Fugal stance every now and then.
    "Do you have any bactine? Some of this blood is mine."

    "Dear Die-ary, today I stuffed some dolls full of dead rats I put in the blender. I'm wondering if, maybe, there really is something wrong with me."

    -JTHM

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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    Probably the Toughman... ^_^*
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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    For all the instructors out there who are tired of the "What if" syndrome from one student over and over, look them dead in the eye, and use your best Red Foreman (That 70's show) voice and say, "What if a frog had wings.... It wouldn't bump its arse when it hopped"
    Quality outweighs quantity every time.

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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    Quote Originally Posted by Rob Broad
    For all the instructors out there who are tired of the "What if" syndrome from one student over and over, look them dead in the eye, and use your best Red Foreman (That 70's show) voice and say, "What if a frog had wings.... It wouldn't bump its arse when it hopped"
    ...don't forget to add, "Dumbass!"
    "It is sobering to reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence." – Charles A. Beard

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    Talking Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    Quote Originally Posted by cameypsaromatis
    Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I-do-karate. She likes to think she's tough, but anytime someone makes even a little bit of contact, she's going to complain to anyone that will listen. This is to be contrasted with the women who *are* there to train, and say nothing about the multiple bruises they take home every night from the macho-newbie and the macho-old-timer. Solution: Hit her really hard and tell her to stop being such a wuss when she complains. The phrase "It's karate/judo/etc., it's supposed to hurt a little bit" should be used often. Solution: every single time, without exception, pair Ms. Selfdefense with #4, The Whacker. This will necessitate her learning to "whack" back.
    When I started Arnis there was a female I trained with the same way lol she had a "super-tough" nick-name and everyone always talked about how "strong" she was yet wore, make-up, about 20 ear rings, necklaces, and pants convienantly displaying her leg tattoos to class. Yet could not take simple disarms or wrist controls from other students. LOL
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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    Quote Originally Posted by Hunter
    When I started Arnis there was a female I trained with the same way lol she had a "super-tough" nick-name and everyone always talked about how "strong" she was yet wore, make-up, about 20 ear rings, necklaces, and pants convienantly displaying her leg tattoos to class. Yet could not take simple disarms or wrist controls from other students. LOL
    OMG! I think she moved to Sacramento!

    I'm not sure if it was covered, but there's also the whiner who won't take hits from anyone in class, unless we have a guest instructor/seminar in which case she can take anything dished out so as not to appear wimpy in front of someone 'important'.

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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    This is an awesome find! I honestly can put a face to almost every one of these students...sadly it's my own face...

    I think I'm gonna print this one up and bring it to the next instructor class...LOL
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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    I was wondering why Jamie always uses me as his Uke, LOL

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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    And I just thought it was standard procedure to knock the newbie out!

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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    i love this.. im the natural.. learning this stuff isnt 'that' hard...so i slack off and get lazy at home... so pretty much the only time i train is in class.. go figure my instructor likes to use me as an example on all the "fun" techniques.. maybe that solution will sink in eventually :-\

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    Default Re: Common Students that Martial Arts Instructors See

    Great List!!!

    Both hilarious and true.

    Lee
    MLKKA

    "Getting your first Black Belt is like graduating from kindergarten... you have only just earned the right to learn." ~Me

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