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Thread: American Courts at their best?

  1. #1
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    Default American Courts at their best?

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
    ________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18 th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    ________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8 th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh....
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ________________________________________
    ATTO RNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh?
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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  2. #2
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    Default Re: American Courts at their best?

    Attorneys make the laws....is it any wonder why a lot of them don't make sense?
    "It is sobering to reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence." Charles A. Beard

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    Default Re: American Courts at their best?

    Frackin' Awesome
    Susan A. Spann

    Something Here Coming Soon

    Member of the Estrogen Mafia and Proud Owner of THIS Thread (FOREVER D:< )



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    Default Re: American Courts at their best?

    I really liked those.
    Quality outweighs quantity every time.

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    execkenpo is offline
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    Default Re: American Courts at their best?

    LMAO!!

    No wonder the system moves sooooo slowly.

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    Default Re: American Courts at their best?

    Rofl!!
    PARKER - HERMAN - SECK

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    John Brewer's Avatar
    John Brewer is offline Starting Over
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    Default Re: American Courts at their best?

    Priceless!

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    Default Re: American Courts at their best?

    I sent these to an uncle who is a lawyer. I don't think that he has stopped laughing yet.
    "Change is not necessary...Survival is not mandatory" - W. Edward Deming

    "When I hit....I hit the whole enchilada" - Master David Leung

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