Comedic Quotes

[Miyu]

Have you ever noticed, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and

anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

--George Carlin



You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking

five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where

the hell she is.



--Ellen DeGeneris



I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for

Marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

--Rita Rudner



I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I

grew hair under my arms instead.

--Sue Kolinsky



I'm not into working out. My philosophy No pain, no pain.

--Carol Leifer



I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want,

but you must eat it with naked fat people.

--Ed Bluestone



The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By

the second day you're off it.

--Jackie Gleason



I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some

fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

--Jay Leno



The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would

not be caught dead in otherwise.

--Roger Simon



I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore

helmets.

--Dave Edison



If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television

By candlelight.

--George Gobel



Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the

Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next

morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

--Billiam Coronel



Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

--Oscar Wilde



I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a

vegetarian because I hate plants.

--A. Whitney Brown



If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and

saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life

without even considering if there is a man on base.

--Dave Barry



Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does

look like he hasn't eaten in a while.

-- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics.



Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of

Congress...But I repeat myself.

--Mark Twain



Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At

least they can find Kuwait.

--A. Whitney Brown



Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just

having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when

they're eating sandwiches.

--Jim Carrey



My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

--Paula Poundstone



I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to,use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

--Jeff Stilson



Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I Think that's how dogs spend their lives.

--Sue Murphy



I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking Up something else.

--Lily Tomlin



Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always

Say the same thing 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

--Rita Rudner



Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a

Pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain

All over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

--Jerry Seinfeld



Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm half-way

through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a

slow learner.

--Lynda Montgomery



What do people mean when they say the computer went down on

me?

--Marilyn Pittman



Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying,

but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

--Lily Tomlin



When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone In the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

--Robin Williams



Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not

color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

--Jerry Seinfeld



I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in

New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just

isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

--Richard Jeni

[Gin-Gin2]

Those are all great; George Carlin's & Rita Rudner's are my faves. I just used George's yesterday on the way to class!!

[uglydawg]

Jeff Foxworthy: I believe that if you let somebody cut in front of you in traffic and they don't give you the little "wave", it should be perfectly legal to get up underneath 'em, get 'em loose, and put 'em into the wall




Larry The Cable Guy: I had a rough night. I had a dream that I drank the world's biggest margarita, and I woke up - there was salt around the toilet bowl. That's not good right there. Thank goodness I didn't eat the worm at the bottom, I'll tell you that right now.

[Mace]

I almost spit coffee through my nose cause of the Cable Guy's quote. LOL