"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having

met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell

'til I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but

wonder: What the f was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin

it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like

the need for therapy..."

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take

this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are

bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that

we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So

here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who

the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there

was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas, Kentucky &