1. Men are like department stores....

their clothes should always be half off.



2. Men are like vacations....

they never seem to be long enough.



3. Men are like computers...

hard to figure out and never have enough memory.



4. Men are like coolers...

load them with beer and you can take them anywhere



5. Men are like chocolate bars....

sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.



6. Men are like coffee....

the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.



7. Men are like horoscopes....

they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.



8. Men are like plungers...

they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.



9. Men are like cement....

after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.



10 Men are like laxatives.....

They irritate the **** out of you



11 Men are like parking spots.....

The good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped



12 A man is like a snowstorm.....

You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last



13 Q: Why is it hard for a woman to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

A: Because those men already have boyfriends (!!!)





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Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.



What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?

The man.



Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.



What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.



Why are men like commercials?

You can't believe a word they say.



Why are men like popcorn?

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.



Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.



Why do so many women fake orgasm?

Because so many men fake foreplay.



Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.



What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?

Most men have no trouble finding a bar.



What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?

Sex.



What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

When the power goes off.



What do men and women have in common?

They both distrust men.



How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?

Guilt gifts are nicer.



What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.



How is a man like the weather?

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.



What is the difference between a man and childbirth?

One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.



Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?

Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.



What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?

Slow.



What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They're married.



What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?

An insurance company.



Why don't men often show their true feelings?

Because they don't have any.



Why do men have a hole in their penis?

So oxygen can get to their brains.



What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?

A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.



What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?

Castrated.



What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.



What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.



Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?

So men can remember them.